GOP Senators Convene Rape Panel: Blame Vagina For Rape

Above:  The nefarious Vagina (note the beard).

Above:  Republican moderate, Senator Collins of Maine.  A recent Republican-Led Senate Committee on Health & Crime recently identified the Vagina as the cause of Rape.

This afternoon in Washington, D.C., a U.S. Health & Criminal Senate Committee – staffed exclusively by Republican Senators, announced they were issuing a long-awaited report on the root cause of Rape. 

Republican Senator Collins (R-Maine), held a press conference to announce the summary findings of the Committee’s report.  While Sen. Collins was excluded from the actual Committee itself (lack of expertise in women’s health matters), she nonetheless agreed to announce the findings and voice her support for the Committee’s work.

Said Senator Collins:

I believe the quality and accuracy of the report speaks for itself.  The one common element to all cases of rape involving a female is that a Vagina is present.  Clearly such a strong pattern cannot be ignored as simply a coincidence.

Republican Senators discuss their recent report on the root cause of Rape at a Senate press conference in D.C., March 23, 2013.

Republican Senators started by explaining what motivated them to launch this important inquiry into the issue of Rape.  According to Sen. Mitch McConnell, Chairman of the Republican Senate Committee on Health & Rape:

We take the issue of Rape seriously. As a result, we have undertaken to explore the causes of Rape and have discovered that the Vagina appears to be the likely culprit.

Our Committee spent many months investigating this important issue and, according to our experts, Vaginas appear to be inextricably linked to Rape.  In every case our experts looked at, they found that a Vagina was always present during Rape [ed: of women].

The Democratic response was swift in demonstrating the difference between the two parties.  Senator Harry Reid, (D-Nev), held his own press conference to discuss the differences between the Republican’s Senatorial Committee on Health & Crime with the findings of the Democrat’s own similarly named Committee.

Democratic Senators of the Democratic Senate Committee on Health & Crime, led by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), hold a press conference to explain the differences between their Committee’s report on Rape and a similar report issued earlier today by the Republican’s Committee investigating Rape.

Harry Reid explained the Democrats strongly disagreed with the Republican’s report on Rape, and its root cause, calling the Republican’s assertion that Vaginas are exclusively at fault “radical” and “disgusting”.

Highlighting these differences, Senator Reid had this to say about the Democrat’s own report’s summary findings:

Certainly I respect the good work our Republican colleagues have undertaken.  I believe the voters understand that both Republicans and Democrats stand firm in our belief that Rape is a serious issue facing our country and that politics shouldn’t get in the way of addressing this vital issue.

However, my Republican friends are clearly radical in their thinking that Vagina is the sole causation of Rape.  Our own research shows that Vagina is not the singular cause of Rape. 

While our report acknowledges that the presence of a Vagina [ed: when women are raped] is indeed a significant factor which bears at least 90% of the burden for causing Rape, we also recognize that lack of education bears some blame as well.

We, as a result of our own Committee’s findings, are calling on our Republican colleagues to support legislation which funds an Aware Program which will seek to teach males that Rape is not always the most appropriate avenue to take when engaging in romantic activities.

I believe the American People will quickly recognize the vast differences between Republicans and Democrats and realize that Democrats do in fact care more about Women’s issues than our Republican friends.

Will this conflict between Republicans and Democrats be able to be reconciled?  Will the Republicans compromise on their radical position or will they cow-tow to their base?  Will Democrats be able to overcome their radical base and work with Republicans –or- will their base cause them to lose the support of the Middle?

Find out next time when we convene our own panel of experts to investigate and explore the topic of Rape.